Death is Nature

What you want to do is you want to put the gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Die. Die in the bathtub, or maybe a field of gravel. Surrounded by blood: trickling, splattering, dripping. Sticky hair, messy. But not too messy, the point is to die with as little mess as possible, hence the bathtub. And water. And soap.

A field doesn't require a heartache of cleanup. Death is nature. It's a method of problem solving. It's a process of a set of rules. It's Wikipedia. They trick you. They teach you your times tables, and that X=O but they never call it a language or reveal that zero is simply the answer this question: "What's inside her head?"

Meanwhile, at night, when you lie in bed, concentrate on the areas that bother you (your sinuses) let your mind sort of float through your sinuses. Then feel that the spirit of the lord is flowing there, soothing & healing - drying up your sinuses (you can even try it at work when you are troubled). You can ask Him to remove  the pain. Just say, "Please, Jesus, take away my suffering." Just try it.

--Kathy, 1976

It's like when I would wait to take sex phone calls, like from the guy in Santa Clara who got raped when he was thirteen. While biking home from school, a gang of teenagers threw him off his bike and beat the shit out of him. Frequently. That man paid me $1.99 a minute to listen to the story and I was never given an algorithm for that. He raped himself every day, having unprotected sex with strangers, and then paid me to hear the stories. I could not fix him.

It took a lot of years to understand algorithms and I still don't. I was never very good with math. That's where they trick you. It's not about math or numbers or logic. It's not, but they trick you. Logic. They throw around so many terms, all the terms, and they leave you. You wonder what the words mean: are they word problems? Calculus? Blind luck?

While your brain still functions, kinda, you think about the parts of your life that were good. Or, you just make up some good parts. Isn't that what you do? What you've been paid to do? You make up pretty stories, write them down, and sell them. 

Romance novels. A bunch of pretty stories.